My take on the classic tale...

Twas the night before Thanksgiving, and all through the town
Every college kid was stirring, looking to drink away their frown.

The bars were full from the door to the back,
In hopes that drink specials would bring them in packs;
The girls were glossed and hooched up galore
While loads of frat-boys said "Get drunk some more!"
And mamma at home prepping the turkey,
Had just settled down, not feeling so perky.

When out on the streets there arose such a clatter,
We sprang from the bar to see what was the matter.
Away to the corner I flew like a deer,
Tore open the car door and threw up my beer.

The moon on the breast of the fresh cleaned street
Gave the lustre of mid-day to uglies named pete,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a SUV with eight tiny sluts enjoying thier beer,
With a little skank driver, so sloppy and not-cool,
I knew in a moment it must bitches from high school.

More rapid than eagles in flocks and droves they came,
We whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Whorey! now, Slutty! now Loose, and Lame!
On, Ugly! on Stupid! on, Sad and Insane!
To the top of the Speakers! to the top of the Bar!
Now run away! run away! run away all!"

So up to the DJ the coursers they flew,
With a belly full of liquor, and crunchy hair too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard quite clear
The prancing and clacking of each little heel.

The music it changed from good to bad sound,
As the girls you once hated came in with a bound.
They are dressed in valore, from the head to the floor,
And their clothes are all tarnished with juicy couture;

A bundle of wine coolers they had held in their hand,
And they looked like street walkers roaming the land.
Their eyes -- how they crossed! Their thighs dimpled how merry!
Their waists so bloated, You'd find better on the Staten Island Ferry!

Their droll little mouths were drawn up askew,
And the beard of their crotches were shown in plain view;
The stump of a cigarette they held tight in long acrylics,
And the smoke it encircled their heads for new FaceBook pics;

They had broad faces and a beer filled round belly,
That shook, when they cackled like a bowl full of jelly.
They got chubby and plump, not cute like an elf,
And I laughed when I saw them, in spite of myself;

A wink of their eye and a twist of their head,
Soon let me to know I had nothing to dread;
They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,
And filled all the bathrooms; they turned with a frat-jerk,
And laying their fingers aside of thier nose,
And giving a nod, up the nostrils coke rose;
They sprang out the door, to their fake-friends gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard them exclaim, as they drove out of sight,
"Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a fun-night."