People are always surprised to hear about my quarter life crisis, like I should be on top of the world right now. But being I still don't have an internship for the spring, and my semester ends on Tuesday... I'm slightly worried about my career path. Even my teachers are suggesting that my graduating class should look for a job to make some money instead of a long term career. I don't want to talk about how upsetting that is. Instead, I took this as an opportunity to explore what I could be good at, not long term, but just to pay the bills. I did some soul searching and This is what I think I'd be good at:
Dog whisperer- I am unnaturally gifted with dogs. I could definitely give Caesar Milan a run for his money while I get to play with puppies all day.
Author- I am well aware that I won't be the next great American author, but I really think I could bang out some chicklit relatively easily and an advance from a publisher could be enough to pay the rent.
DJ- Not to toot my own horn, but I make really good play lists. Give me a mood and limewire and I will wow you.
Theme Party Planner- I live for theme parties. I could almost pee myself thinking about how fun this job would be.
Scarf Knitter- Who doesn't love a nice scarf? I can't knit anything else, but I can produce a bangin scarf.
Therapist- I don't have a degree but I can talk you through a crisis like no other. I think its my voice, its very soothing.
The person who decides what a movie should be rated- I love movies, I love inappropriate humor and dirty jokes and violence. I think this job would incorporate all of this.
Set designer- Did you ever look at the set for Juno or Garden State? Its genius. I would also enjoy hiding weird stuff in the background.
Photo developer- My friend worked for a one hour photo in high school and I was always really jealous that she got to peek at people's personal lives and embarrassing pictures. This is my chance.
Masseuse/Back Scratcher- I can massage like I have extra fingers. And don't even get me started on my scratching abilities. It does make my soul feel weird because it slightly reminds me of a sex worker, but I could deal with that depending on the pay.
Perfume maker- This just sounds fun to me. Like those kits you get when you're ten.
Candle maker- Dip some string in wax. I'm capable. I think I could listen to books on tape while I did it too, so that's a plus.
Next top model crew member- I would pay you to let me hold the Que cards for Tyra. The shit I would witness would be well worth it.
Lip gloss sampler- I love lip gloss and I have full-figured lips, I think thats all you need for this job.
Art teacher- High school art classes are basically study hall with charcoal and I could handle that. I also find high school kids humorous.
Professional Googler- I don't know if this is a job, but I am SO good at googling. I think I was born for it.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Do me a favor, get away from the tree
This may be the pinacle of every Long Island, New Jersey, east coast mom, but I think John Roberts may have studied my mother to make his mom videos (especially "The Phone Call"). Our tree is going up today, which means I will hear "go turn on the tree" about a gazillion times before Christmas. We have an artificial tree, real trees are a fire hazard dontcha know. Don't worry we class it up with white lights and red and gold balls... its a shame we don't use the baby's breath anymore. Anyway, enjoy your tree decorating this weekend and laugh off the neurosis of your family.
Friday, November 28, 2008
There's always a price to pay
Tradition is a big part of the holidays. Reese Witherspoon dresses her Oscar award in an elf outfit, Chuck Klosterman watches the Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson dvd on Christmas eve and Mariah Carey puts on a Santa Claus bikini, soaks in the hot tub and then... rolls in the snow. Traditions make the holidays fun, exciting and nostaligic. We don't wait for Christmas eve in my house, when Santa arrives at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, the holiday season officially begins, as do the traditions.
One of the biggest traditions my mom whole heartedly believes in is black friday. Come rain, pnemonia, or credit card debt, we will be there come 4 a.m Friday morning. I do not have a good relationship with Black Friday. When I worked on my highschool newspaper, one of my first ever columns was about how evil Black Friday is. It sucks you in with promises of $5 blenders and $3 dvds, but there's a catch. Of course they deliver on these great deals but they also deliver hords and hords of "savvy", coupon starved shoppers. For some this is a fair trade. What's a little Walmart rioting when you end up with some extra holiday cash? It is not a fair trade for me. When it comes to Black Friday, I really feel like I am damaging my soul.
Named Black Friday not for the inky aura of the shopping experience, but for the fiscal idea of moving from the "red"- danger zone, to the "black"- safe zone. I don't think its a coincidence that black represents all that is evil when it comes to color symbolism, but that's just me.
Like every other year I was ripped out of my bed before sunrise. I don't brush my hair or wash my face, and you're lucky if I get a bra on. The radio stations have already started with the non-stop Christmas music, this means "Holly Jolly Christmas" slaps me in the face as we pull into the parkinglot. Is it really the best time of the year Johnny Mathis? By the looks of the crowd I would have to respectfully disagree. My mom usually yells "ba-hum-bug!" or "grinch" at me several times before we find a parking spot at least a mile from the entrance.
The cold sweat of claustrophobia has already started by the time we push throught the crowd. This year we didn't even make it in the store before heading back to the car. The irony of shopper-fights, sappy sweet Christmas tunes, and "door busters" was too much for me. I don't know if its the economy that is making people crazed, or the late start to the holiday season, but I just knew I wasn't coming out alive.
I'm still sticking to my homemade christmas theme this year, so I was just going for support anyway, but it was a little sad to know that one of our traditions may be dying out. My soul is still intact by my spirit took a dive. When we came home I went back to bed for a couple of hours before I was ripped from my covers once again. My mom just couldn't stand the idea of letting Black Friday die without a single purchase. We hit store number two and I was rewarded with cheap dvds and cheaper makeup. I'm always a little more willing to let my soul feel weird when I can buy "The Holiday" for $3.98.
What are your traditions?
One of the biggest traditions my mom whole heartedly believes in is black friday. Come rain, pnemonia, or credit card debt, we will be there come 4 a.m Friday morning. I do not have a good relationship with Black Friday. When I worked on my highschool newspaper, one of my first ever columns was about how evil Black Friday is. It sucks you in with promises of $5 blenders and $3 dvds, but there's a catch. Of course they deliver on these great deals but they also deliver hords and hords of "savvy", coupon starved shoppers. For some this is a fair trade. What's a little Walmart rioting when you end up with some extra holiday cash? It is not a fair trade for me. When it comes to Black Friday, I really feel like I am damaging my soul.
Named Black Friday not for the inky aura of the shopping experience, but for the fiscal idea of moving from the "red"- danger zone, to the "black"- safe zone. I don't think its a coincidence that black represents all that is evil when it comes to color symbolism, but that's just me.
Like every other year I was ripped out of my bed before sunrise. I don't brush my hair or wash my face, and you're lucky if I get a bra on. The radio stations have already started with the non-stop Christmas music, this means "Holly Jolly Christmas" slaps me in the face as we pull into the parkinglot. Is it really the best time of the year Johnny Mathis? By the looks of the crowd I would have to respectfully disagree. My mom usually yells "ba-hum-bug!" or "grinch" at me several times before we find a parking spot at least a mile from the entrance.
The cold sweat of claustrophobia has already started by the time we push throught the crowd. This year we didn't even make it in the store before heading back to the car. The irony of shopper-fights, sappy sweet Christmas tunes, and "door busters" was too much for me. I don't know if its the economy that is making people crazed, or the late start to the holiday season, but I just knew I wasn't coming out alive.
I'm still sticking to my homemade christmas theme this year, so I was just going for support anyway, but it was a little sad to know that one of our traditions may be dying out. My soul is still intact by my spirit took a dive. When we came home I went back to bed for a couple of hours before I was ripped from my covers once again. My mom just couldn't stand the idea of letting Black Friday die without a single purchase. We hit store number two and I was rewarded with cheap dvds and cheaper makeup. I'm always a little more willing to let my soul feel weird when I can buy "The Holiday" for $3.98.
What are your traditions?
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
My take on the classic tale...
Twas the night before Thanksgiving, and all through the town
Every college kid was stirring, looking to drink away their frown.
The bars were full from the door to the back,
In hopes that drink specials would bring them in packs;
The girls were glossed and hooched up galore
While loads of frat-boys said "Get drunk some more!"
And mamma at home prepping the turkey,
Had just settled down, not feeling so perky.
When out on the streets there arose such a clatter,
We sprang from the bar to see what was the matter.
Away to the corner I flew like a deer,
Tore open the car door and threw up my beer.
The moon on the breast of the fresh cleaned street
Gave the lustre of mid-day to uglies named pete,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a SUV with eight tiny sluts enjoying thier beer,
With a little skank driver, so sloppy and not-cool,
I knew in a moment it must bitches from high school.
More rapid than eagles in flocks and droves they came,
We whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Whorey! now, Slutty! now Loose, and Lame!
On, Ugly! on Stupid! on, Sad and Insane!
To the top of the Speakers! to the top of the Bar!
Now run away! run away! run away all!"
So up to the DJ the coursers they flew,
With a belly full of liquor, and crunchy hair too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard quite clear
The prancing and clacking of each little heel.
The music it changed from good to bad sound,
As the girls you once hated came in with a bound.
They are dressed in valore, from the head to the floor,
And their clothes are all tarnished with juicy couture;
A bundle of wine coolers they had held in their hand,
And they looked like street walkers roaming the land.
Their eyes -- how they crossed! Their thighs dimpled how merry!
Their waists so bloated, You'd find better on the Staten Island Ferry!
Their droll little mouths were drawn up askew,
And the beard of their crotches were shown in plain view;
The stump of a cigarette they held tight in long acrylics,
And the smoke it encircled their heads for new FaceBook pics;
They had broad faces and a beer filled round belly,
That shook, when they cackled like a bowl full of jelly.
They got chubby and plump, not cute like an elf,
And I laughed when I saw them, in spite of myself;
A wink of their eye and a twist of their head,
Soon let me to know I had nothing to dread;
They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,
And filled all the bathrooms; they turned with a frat-jerk,
And laying their fingers aside of thier nose,
And giving a nod, up the nostrils coke rose;
They sprang out the door, to their fake-friends gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard them exclaim, as they drove out of sight,
"Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a fun-night."
Every college kid was stirring, looking to drink away their frown.
The bars were full from the door to the back,
In hopes that drink specials would bring them in packs;
The girls were glossed and hooched up galore
While loads of frat-boys said "Get drunk some more!"
And mamma at home prepping the turkey,
Had just settled down, not feeling so perky.
When out on the streets there arose such a clatter,
We sprang from the bar to see what was the matter.
Away to the corner I flew like a deer,
Tore open the car door and threw up my beer.
The moon on the breast of the fresh cleaned street
Gave the lustre of mid-day to uglies named pete,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a SUV with eight tiny sluts enjoying thier beer,
With a little skank driver, so sloppy and not-cool,
I knew in a moment it must bitches from high school.
More rapid than eagles in flocks and droves they came,
We whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Whorey! now, Slutty! now Loose, and Lame!
On, Ugly! on Stupid! on, Sad and Insane!
To the top of the Speakers! to the top of the Bar!
Now run away! run away! run away all!"
So up to the DJ the coursers they flew,
With a belly full of liquor, and crunchy hair too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard quite clear
The prancing and clacking of each little heel.
The music it changed from good to bad sound,
As the girls you once hated came in with a bound.
They are dressed in valore, from the head to the floor,
And their clothes are all tarnished with juicy couture;
A bundle of wine coolers they had held in their hand,
And they looked like street walkers roaming the land.
Their eyes -- how they crossed! Their thighs dimpled how merry!
Their waists so bloated, You'd find better on the Staten Island Ferry!
Their droll little mouths were drawn up askew,
And the beard of their crotches were shown in plain view;
The stump of a cigarette they held tight in long acrylics,
And the smoke it encircled their heads for new FaceBook pics;
They had broad faces and a beer filled round belly,
That shook, when they cackled like a bowl full of jelly.
They got chubby and plump, not cute like an elf,
And I laughed when I saw them, in spite of myself;
A wink of their eye and a twist of their head,
Soon let me to know I had nothing to dread;
They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,
And filled all the bathrooms; they turned with a frat-jerk,
And laying their fingers aside of thier nose,
And giving a nod, up the nostrils coke rose;
They sprang out the door, to their fake-friends gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard them exclaim, as they drove out of sight,
"Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a fun-night."
Monday, November 24, 2008
God Mr. Grouchy Pants
This is me and my roommate. Can you guess who the annoying one is in this scenario?
A New Barbie and Ken
I like personalized gifts, home made, one of a kind and special. Anyone can give a gift card but it takes a unique soul to give a personalized barbie and ken. When I was sixteen... or eighteen, I don't remember my friend was very much in love with a singer named Greg Raposo. Being I was working at a baseball stadium at the time, funds were kind of limited, meaning I had get crafty. I'm not ashamed to say I made her a Greg Raposo doll and I was proud of it. So if your looking for a crafty Christmas idea, try my take on Barbie and Ken. Above you'll find my example of me and Ryan Gosling out for a leisurly skate.
What you'll need:
The cheapest Barbie doll(s) you can find
Scissors
Rubber cement
Face pictures
Sharpie/any tiny accessories
What to do:
1. Carefully cut the faces out of the desired pictures. A digital photo will work best so you can resize if necessary. Put to the side.
2. Slice open bottom of Barbie box using scissors.
3. Slide dolls out of box.
5. draw on tattoos, moles, scars or any other distinguishing feature using your sharpie.
5. Make tiny accessories that the person is know for. A bracelett out of a paperclip, a cigarette out of toilet paper, a scarf out of bits of fabric... get creative. The more detailed the better.
6. Slather rubber cement over Barbie's face.
7. Attatch face pictures.
8. Return doll to box.
9. Rubber cement the bottom closed.
Enjoy your very own personalized Barbie or wrap it up and put it under the tree for a cheap and easy gift.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Stresstastic
As a twenty-one year old finishing up my last fall semester of my last year of college, I am constantly stressed. So stressed in fact that I haven't blogged in a few days. My apologies, I had work, and tests, and speeches, and tons of other excuses I won't bore you with. But mainly I was working on a paper called "Societal Perception vs. Self Perception in Buchi Emecheta’s Second Class Citizen and Claire De Duras’s Ourika". Doesn't that just sound stressful? Well, it was. BUT 5,082 words and three days later, its finished.
While I was working on this beast of a paper I did a bit of dictionary.com referencing. In between looking up fun words like coquettishness (a woman who flirts light heartedly with a man to win his affections), I procrastinated by looking up stress. Here's what dictionary.com says in terms of feeling stressed:
Stress [stres], Noun
1.The physical pressure, pull, or other force exerted on one thing by another; strain
2.Physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension.
If I was writing a dictionary, I would define stress like this:
Stress[stres], noun
1.The overwhelming desire to be seven years old again.
What seven year old is stressed? I really think that definition captures the essence that is stress. Recess, Lunchables, piggy-back rides, diaramas... all stress free. In my mind, being stressed is being the opposite of a seven year old. But as I don't currently have a time machine I deal with my stress in other ways...
Mainly procrastination (I dictionaried stress, come on). If I can push the stress back a week, a day, a couple of hours, I will at all costs. YouTubing and Facebooking is great for this. As is addictinggames.com (I have to say it really is addicting). Looking at celebrity playlists on itunes and singing Dolly Parton songs, are all great for procrastinating. But procrastinating stress isn't REALLY dealing with it.
So then I move to stress-eating. In the last week or so I have eaten my body weight in junk food. I have eaten burritos, cheetos, peanut m&ms, oreos, bagels(plural), fries, mashed potatoes, about a gallon of coke, two gallons of coffee, marshmellows... the list could go on for pages, but I wouldn't want to embarrass myself would I?
When I went on my Page Six interview last week, they asked me how I would deal with a stressful situation. I didn't mention the junk food or the kittens I watched on youtube, but I did tell her I made a timeline. In my mind my time line usually involves crying, calling my mom, complaining on to anyone who isn't away on aim, and then dividing up the remaining time into how many tasks I have to do. It's very effective.
So thats how I deal with stress but then there's the effects of stress. One of my roommates gets irritable and grumpy and the other gets playful and chatty. Me? I get sick. Insomnia, sinus infections, cold-sweats, I lose my voice and get lock jaw... my body pretty much shuts down on me. It could be that my diet is lacking vitamin C or the fact that hygiene doesn't really fit into my time chart, I don't really know. What I do know is that come Tuesday at 11:20 I will be completely stress free for six whole days and I can't wait.
While I was working on this beast of a paper I did a bit of dictionary.com referencing. In between looking up fun words like coquettishness (a woman who flirts light heartedly with a man to win his affections), I procrastinated by looking up stress. Here's what dictionary.com says in terms of feeling stressed:
Stress [stres], Noun
1.The physical pressure, pull, or other force exerted on one thing by another; strain
2.Physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension.
If I was writing a dictionary, I would define stress like this:
Stress[stres], noun
1.The overwhelming desire to be seven years old again.
What seven year old is stressed? I really think that definition captures the essence that is stress. Recess, Lunchables, piggy-back rides, diaramas... all stress free. In my mind, being stressed is being the opposite of a seven year old. But as I don't currently have a time machine I deal with my stress in other ways...
Mainly procrastination (I dictionaried stress, come on). If I can push the stress back a week, a day, a couple of hours, I will at all costs. YouTubing and Facebooking is great for this. As is addictinggames.com (I have to say it really is addicting). Looking at celebrity playlists on itunes and singing Dolly Parton songs, are all great for procrastinating. But procrastinating stress isn't REALLY dealing with it.
So then I move to stress-eating. In the last week or so I have eaten my body weight in junk food. I have eaten burritos, cheetos, peanut m&ms, oreos, bagels(plural), fries, mashed potatoes, about a gallon of coke, two gallons of coffee, marshmellows... the list could go on for pages, but I wouldn't want to embarrass myself would I?
When I went on my Page Six interview last week, they asked me how I would deal with a stressful situation. I didn't mention the junk food or the kittens I watched on youtube, but I did tell her I made a timeline. In my mind my time line usually involves crying, calling my mom, complaining on to anyone who isn't away on aim, and then dividing up the remaining time into how many tasks I have to do. It's very effective.
So thats how I deal with stress but then there's the effects of stress. One of my roommates gets irritable and grumpy and the other gets playful and chatty. Me? I get sick. Insomnia, sinus infections, cold-sweats, I lose my voice and get lock jaw... my body pretty much shuts down on me. It could be that my diet is lacking vitamin C or the fact that hygiene doesn't really fit into my time chart, I don't really know. What I do know is that come Tuesday at 11:20 I will be completely stress free for six whole days and I can't wait.
Friday, November 21, 2008
"The Devil Wears JCPenny"
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Conde is slowly going down, and I kind of love it, despite that this is a bold neon sign that media jobs are becoming a joke. Click the link for Gawker's article.
No More Hotdogs
I found this little gem on my iTunes genius sidebar (don't even ask what I've been listening in order to get this recommendation). I'm not really sure what this video is, but its the only one on youtube that did the song any justice. Just close your eyes and laugh til your stomach hurts.
Happy Friday!
xoxox
Amanda
Happy Friday!
xoxox
Amanda
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The Interview
I have an interview at Page Six Magazine tomorrow. Now, normally I would be hyperventalating about the lack of prep time. I usually like to do a lot of googling before an interview, I check out web pages, I look for pictures of the building, I search for my interviewers name... stalkercity, and I'm not ashamed. But being they contacted me this afternoon and my interview is tomorrow, I'm going in blind.
Being I've been on my fair share of interviews in the last few months, I've come to realize every interview boils down to the same redundant question, asked over and over again in different ways using different tones. This question is "How much easier can you make my job?" But instead of saving everyone's time, interviewers go through every possible variety of this standard question just.
First we have theCan you make us feel important? question. It usually comes in the form of "Why do you want to work for us?" Here, they want you to talk the company up. They know just as well as you that you probably have six interviews lined up, but they want to feel like the number one choice. Its all about ego so talk about how well known they are, and how accomplished the company is, how good it will look on your resume and what they can teach you because they are just that fantastic. This has never been more true than at my interview with Conde Nast. Their head is so big they could star in the Macy's parade (can you tell that I'm still bitter?).
Next comes "What do you see yourself doing as a (insert desired position)"? I see this question being pointless because you told me exactly what I'd be doing in your help wanted ad, but again they want to know what can do to make their life easier. Humor your interviewer and repeat verbatem what they told you you'd be doing. And then add in how excited you are to be doing this.
Then theres the follow up to this question- "Are you capable of doing everything you just told us?" The answer is always yes. No matter what, you say yes. If you feel uncomfortable with lying through your teeth you can add in you don't have any experience doing said task but that you are a fast learner and feel confident you can make their life easier if you are hired. And say it with a smile.
There's usually a "why did you leave your last job?" thrown in there somewhere. Again its a chance to stroke their ego. Go all out telling them theres a much better opportunity to learn and grow with the company you are interviewing for.
And they always, always, always ask if you have any questions. Pull something out of your ass and ask a question. It doesn't matter what it is. They like to feel important and useful.
I have to admit, some people get creative with an odd question every once in a while. Once it was what's your life motto. Another time they asked about my astrological sign. And this one time my hand writing was analyzed (Those last two were at the same job). Basically just spew believable non-sense and charm their pants off and you should be fine.
Wish me luck!
Being I've been on my fair share of interviews in the last few months, I've come to realize every interview boils down to the same redundant question, asked over and over again in different ways using different tones. This question is "How much easier can you make my job?" But instead of saving everyone's time, interviewers go through every possible variety of this standard question just.
First we have theCan you make us feel important? question. It usually comes in the form of "Why do you want to work for us?" Here, they want you to talk the company up. They know just as well as you that you probably have six interviews lined up, but they want to feel like the number one choice. Its all about ego so talk about how well known they are, and how accomplished the company is, how good it will look on your resume and what they can teach you because they are just that fantastic. This has never been more true than at my interview with Conde Nast. Their head is so big they could star in the Macy's parade (can you tell that I'm still bitter?).
Next comes "What do you see yourself doing as a (insert desired position)"? I see this question being pointless because you told me exactly what I'd be doing in your help wanted ad, but again they want to know what can do to make their life easier. Humor your interviewer and repeat verbatem what they told you you'd be doing. And then add in how excited you are to be doing this.
Then theres the follow up to this question- "Are you capable of doing everything you just told us?" The answer is always yes. No matter what, you say yes. If you feel uncomfortable with lying through your teeth you can add in you don't have any experience doing said task but that you are a fast learner and feel confident you can make their life easier if you are hired. And say it with a smile.
There's usually a "why did you leave your last job?" thrown in there somewhere. Again its a chance to stroke their ego. Go all out telling them theres a much better opportunity to learn and grow with the company you are interviewing for.
And they always, always, always ask if you have any questions. Pull something out of your ass and ask a question. It doesn't matter what it is. They like to feel important and useful.
I have to admit, some people get creative with an odd question every once in a while. Once it was what's your life motto. Another time they asked about my astrological sign. And this one time my hand writing was analyzed (Those last two were at the same job). Basically just spew believable non-sense and charm their pants off and you should be fine.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Death(bunk)bed
I'm sick. Like deathly, in bed, yellow snot, sick. I've been known to be a tad of a hypochondriac, but I really think I have a kidney infection mixed with Ebola. That's the oozy African monkey virus right?
When you live with three other roommates in a gross, dark, dirty, basement apartment, you get sick alot. Vitamins stop working, Lysol is a joke and surgical masks are hard to come by. Nothing really stands up to hygienically challenged college kids. So whatever disease that permanently festers in our couch has now invaded my sinuses and oral cavity. I sound like a chain smoker, the menthol kind. If I didn't drop my thermometer in the toilet last time I was sick, I would tell you I have a temperature, but without it I just can't be sure.
I'm supposed to be working on a twenty page paper that counts as a final for two of my classes, but instead I've been using Web MD to figure out what I've contracted. So far its just a tumor... but I'm not ruling out Ebola. I tried to make an outline for this paper, thinking I could get the ball rolling and just bang it out. But all I came up with was the heading, "Stupid Fucking Essay Outline" times new roman, centered, bold, (I'm nothing if not a sucker for formatting) followed by my thesis which says "I should have read these books"...Its a work in progress.
When I'm not sabotaging my GPA, I've been wasting time with Kenny vs Spenny episodes on YouTube. Right now I'm waiting for "The First One to Touch the Ground Loses" to load. If you don't know what Kenny vs Spenny is, google away my friend. It may just be the best thing to come out of Canadian television. Basically these two childhood friends, Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice, compete in weekly challenges and humiliate the loser. Sounds simple but it really is pure genius. If anyone can cure me it will be Kenny Hotz... or Jesus... or a vat of broccoli cheddar soup. I'm going back to bed until one of the three is brought to me.
When you live with three other roommates in a gross, dark, dirty, basement apartment, you get sick alot. Vitamins stop working, Lysol is a joke and surgical masks are hard to come by. Nothing really stands up to hygienically challenged college kids. So whatever disease that permanently festers in our couch has now invaded my sinuses and oral cavity. I sound like a chain smoker, the menthol kind. If I didn't drop my thermometer in the toilet last time I was sick, I would tell you I have a temperature, but without it I just can't be sure.
I'm supposed to be working on a twenty page paper that counts as a final for two of my classes, but instead I've been using Web MD to figure out what I've contracted. So far its just a tumor... but I'm not ruling out Ebola. I tried to make an outline for this paper, thinking I could get the ball rolling and just bang it out. But all I came up with was the heading, "Stupid Fucking Essay Outline" times new roman, centered, bold, (I'm nothing if not a sucker for formatting) followed by my thesis which says "I should have read these books"...Its a work in progress.
When I'm not sabotaging my GPA, I've been wasting time with Kenny vs Spenny episodes on YouTube. Right now I'm waiting for "The First One to Touch the Ground Loses" to load. If you don't know what Kenny vs Spenny is, google away my friend. It may just be the best thing to come out of Canadian television. Basically these two childhood friends, Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice, compete in weekly challenges and humiliate the loser. Sounds simple but it really is pure genius. If anyone can cure me it will be Kenny Hotz... or Jesus... or a vat of broccoli cheddar soup. I'm going back to bed until one of the three is brought to me.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Classy Christmas Cards
I want to be Amy Sedaris when I grow up. If anyone saw her on the Chelsea Handler show a couple of weeks ago, then you saw her promoting her newest book that just came out in paperback, "Hospitality Under the Influence". At the end of the segment she explained how to turn a Land O Lakes butter label into greeting card porn.
Being the season of giving is quickly approaching (and I have very little money to actually buy stuff to give) I thought I'd compile some craft ideas to shell out come December 25th. And what better way to say Seasons Greetings than with a lift the flap Christmas card?
What you'll need:
Land O Lakes butter box
exacto knife/scissors/saftey pin/steak knife... something sharp and pointy
scotch tape
decrotive card stock
glue stick/glue gun/something sticky
What to do:
1. Find the side of the box with the little Native American girl.
2. Cut this panel out and put the rest of the box to the side. You'll need it later.
3. Holding the Panel, cut the part of the picture off that says "same great butter taste" but be careful not to disrupt the trees, river and grass.
4a. Now take your pointy object and CAREFULLY cut around the butterbox she is holding. Cut a line up the two sides and the bottom, leaving the top connected, making a flap.
4b. You could cut the whole box out, but I like an element of surprise. Your Call...
5. Pick up the rest of the box you had put to the side and cut a mediumish sized rectangle around the Native American's knees. Once you cut the knees out you can toss the rest. Unless you need butter recipes.... then save it.
6.Now comes the important part. Line up the knees under the flap you cut into the first panel, so they look like tits.
7. When this is in place, scotch tape the hell out of it.
8. Fold cardstock in half and place the Land O Lakes cover on top of it, cutting excess off.
9. Glue cover onto card stock.
10. Write a clever witty message inside... preferably something about butter and christmas. Maybe "Hope this card 'butters' you up to get me a good present this year". If you're not witty attatch it to a canister of butter cookies and the standard "Merry Christmas xoxox" should do.
Being the season of giving is quickly approaching (and I have very little money to actually buy stuff to give) I thought I'd compile some craft ideas to shell out come December 25th. And what better way to say Seasons Greetings than with a lift the flap Christmas card?
What you'll need:
Land O Lakes butter box
exacto knife/scissors/saftey pin/steak knife... something sharp and pointy
scotch tape
decrotive card stock
glue stick/glue gun/something sticky
What to do:
1. Find the side of the box with the little Native American girl.
2. Cut this panel out and put the rest of the box to the side. You'll need it later.
3. Holding the Panel, cut the part of the picture off that says "same great butter taste" but be careful not to disrupt the trees, river and grass.
4a. Now take your pointy object and CAREFULLY cut around the butterbox she is holding. Cut a line up the two sides and the bottom, leaving the top connected, making a flap.
4b. You could cut the whole box out, but I like an element of surprise. Your Call...
5. Pick up the rest of the box you had put to the side and cut a mediumish sized rectangle around the Native American's knees. Once you cut the knees out you can toss the rest. Unless you need butter recipes.... then save it.
6.Now comes the important part. Line up the knees under the flap you cut into the first panel, so they look like tits.
7. When this is in place, scotch tape the hell out of it.
8. Fold cardstock in half and place the Land O Lakes cover on top of it, cutting excess off.
9. Glue cover onto card stock.
10. Write a clever witty message inside... preferably something about butter and christmas. Maybe "Hope this card 'butters' you up to get me a good present this year". If you're not witty attatch it to a canister of butter cookies and the standard "Merry Christmas xoxox" should do.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Don't worry about the other dancers B-Town
If Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake dancing around in unitards with Beyonce doesn't make you smile.... Then I just don't think we can be friends.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Looking and Listening
Sent out some more resumes today. I have a playlist for everything... showering, dog walking, cleaning, sleeping and of course job hunting. Here's my playlist:
1. Hot Child in the City-Nick Gilder
2. Under Pressure-Queen and David Bowie
3. A Well Respected Man- The Kinks
4. Burn Your Life Down- Tegan and Sara
5. Children of the Reveloution- T-Rex
6. Is This It- The Strokes
7. The Moneymaker- Rilo Kiley
8. Wound Up- Office
9. Time to Pretend- MGMT
10. Everyday- Rogue Wave
11. Precious Time- The Maccabees
12. Everything Will be Alright- The Killers
13. Middle Management-Bishop Allen
14. Manic Monday- The Bangels
15. Morning Train- Sheena Easton
16. Bills, Bills, Bills- Destiny's Child
17. Cash Machine-Hard-Fi
Try it out and of course if I missed anything leave it in the comments ;)
1. Hot Child in the City-Nick Gilder
2. Under Pressure-Queen and David Bowie
3. A Well Respected Man- The Kinks
4. Burn Your Life Down- Tegan and Sara
5. Children of the Reveloution- T-Rex
6. Is This It- The Strokes
7. The Moneymaker- Rilo Kiley
8. Wound Up- Office
9. Time to Pretend- MGMT
10. Everyday- Rogue Wave
11. Precious Time- The Maccabees
12. Everything Will be Alright- The Killers
13. Middle Management-Bishop Allen
14. Manic Monday- The Bangels
15. Morning Train- Sheena Easton
16. Bills, Bills, Bills- Destiny's Child
17. Cash Machine-Hard-Fi
Try it out and of course if I missed anything leave it in the comments ;)
Friday, November 14, 2008
No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn
When I'm not being paid with "experience", I work as a library assistant as part of my campus work study. Working 7 hours a week leaves me with about $225 by the end of the month, forcing me to get a little creative with my extra curricular activities. After drinking away my summer paycheck I've learned that bars are not a friend to the financially burdened college student. This lesson has left a large portion of my weekends free.
Tonight I headed over to the Brooklyn Bridge (free!) and got something to eat (and drink) before my walk. We stopped at Mocca Lounge looking to stuff our bellies full of delicious Mediterranean goodness and it just happened to be happy hour (2 for 1!)... who can pass that up?
So Mocca Lounge was awesome and definitely worth the tab. We ordered the Middle Eastern Platter ($12) which came with four dips- humus, baba ganoush, salsa, and Greek salad with thick, warm pita. It fed our table of four and left just enough room for the Mediterranean Quesadilla ($9). I ordered the nachos but liked my roommate's quesadilla way better. It was the perfect consistency of gooey goat cheese and mozzarella, roasted eggplant wrapped in a crisp shell and topped with humus.
Next time I stop by I want to try the fixed 2 course menu. They offer an appetizer and entree for $25 or appetizer, entree and 2 glasses of wine for $35. Not terrible considering the New York City alternatives.
They also have a really great esspresso bar so we got some coffee to go. The coffee mixed with the walk over the bridge took care of my happy hour flush and provided me with Friday night plans that didn't leave me tapped out. Who says college students aren't resourceful?
Tonight I headed over to the Brooklyn Bridge (free!) and got something to eat (and drink) before my walk. We stopped at Mocca Lounge looking to stuff our bellies full of delicious Mediterranean goodness and it just happened to be happy hour (2 for 1!)... who can pass that up?
So Mocca Lounge was awesome and definitely worth the tab. We ordered the Middle Eastern Platter ($12) which came with four dips- humus, baba ganoush, salsa, and Greek salad with thick, warm pita. It fed our table of four and left just enough room for the Mediterranean Quesadilla ($9). I ordered the nachos but liked my roommate's quesadilla way better. It was the perfect consistency of gooey goat cheese and mozzarella, roasted eggplant wrapped in a crisp shell and topped with humus.
Next time I stop by I want to try the fixed 2 course menu. They offer an appetizer and entree for $25 or appetizer, entree and 2 glasses of wine for $35. Not terrible considering the New York City alternatives.
They also have a really great esspresso bar so we got some coffee to go. The coffee mixed with the walk over the bridge took care of my happy hour flush and provided me with Friday night plans that didn't leave me tapped out. Who says college students aren't resourceful?
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Welcome to my crisis
Dearest Universe,
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for this little practical joke you have included me in. You got me good, I must admit. Some people might be confused or puzzled at your complete lack of concern for my mental well being, but I know better. I know its just your "unique" sense of humor. I mean if not for kicks and giggles, then why else would I be graduating at the height of recession and emerging into a failing job market? How can those people not see how hilarious that is??
Well, I guess not ha-ha-funny, but more like Rock-of-Love-Charm-School-funny. It might appear cruel to be pointing and laughing at the mascara stains, but ultimately I'll come out of this enlightened and eloquent... Much like Brandi C (fingers crossed).
I must admit, I didn't really get the joke at first. Sending resume after resume after resume to every (unpaid) internship opening posted on every help-wanted website out there in cyberspace can take its toll on a girl. It really wears on your funny bone. Do you know how many prostitution "gigs" are on craigslist? Because I do.
But I digress, I just wanted to write to express my appreciation for the silver lining that is the giant question mark hovering over my future. I have finely found the humor in the situation, thank god, because lets be honest here... these days if I'm not laughing, I'm crying. So once again, thank you for everything I have been blessed with.
Typing through the tears,
Amanda
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